Recently I was chatting with a group of people, some of whom did not know I had lung cancer. Naturally cancer came up and, of course those that did not know were really astonished. Some of the comments appeared insensitive, “but I’ve never seen you smoke”, “I thought it only happened to smokers”, “you are lucky I don’t think most people survive as long as you.” I have a tenant living with me that’s cancer. Cannot evict it and it causes me no end of trouble on a daily basis. So it’s really easy to frown upon or feel bitter or angry when I hear these kinds of comments. Later, one person in the group conversation expressed their embarrassment on hearing the comments, asking how I cope with the insensitive bad people. Here’s what I explained: In terms of heaven or hell one can say when you do something willingly that is your heaven and when you do something unwillingly that is your hell. This is also true of likes and dislikes. You will do things willingly that you like and you will do something unwillingly that you dislike. Taking it to another step, you can say in my mind I have decided what is good and what is bad. This thinking when applied in the context of people goes like this; this is a good person or this is a bad person. "I have a tenant living with me that’s cancer. Cannot evict it and it causes me no end of trouble on a daily basis." What if I told you there is no such thing as a good person or a bad person? That depending on the moment in time you look at an individual, they are fluctuating somewhere in between. I find there are only joyful people and there are miserable people. In reading this, if you ask yourself, are you a good person or bad person and you decide you are good person, then you are more likely to feel you can criticize the bad. Suddenly, those that do not understand cancer, your pain, your suffering, your challenges or that they are indifferent to your condition or that they do not say or do things that you expect them to; you are more likely to conclude these are bad people. You become the judge and jury of good versus bad. Instead, if you recognize you are a willing participant to life, then fundamentally you are saying yes to life. When you are yes to life then you cannot be yes selectively.
So how can you be a 100% to life living with cancer, dealing with your emotional, psychological, physical, and energy structure each and every moment. Well, it all comes down to how you are from the skin to your core (i.e. within yourself). Generally, at any given moment would you rather be joyful or miserable? If you try to be miserable, try as you might, it is a very difficult state to be in consistently. In this state, life will be a grind. Have you noticed those moments when you are absolutely joyful, how easy life ebbs and flows in this state, even time sails by. Sure, just as there is sunshine and rain, there is joy and pain. Life is weaved with joy, pain, tragedy which is largely out of our control. Nothing physical is permanent, particularly a moment of time. It has a birth and death, and in between there is life. So too, moments of difficulty shall pass with variation in duration, frequency and intensity. For cancer patients or anyone around them, it is at these most difficult times to not allow your mind to give attention to the difficulty of the moment. This takes practice and a simple technique is when you get a sudden itch, say on your foot - resist the temptation to scratch, focus your mind to something you were doing immediately before the itch manifested. With practice you will observe the desperate itch disappears almost instantaneously as it arrived. We cancer patients have our battle scars but with simple practice we can more easily pass through the difficult moment. A simple example for me - it takes on average seven sticks to get a blood line. With swollen hands as the only area available, the process is stressful on the body and quite painful. I have applied the above technique by simply bantering with the staff and I experience little to no discomfort. The hospital staff is just amazed. OK so we cancer patients cannot control treatments but what about people? Well, I don't know about you but I know 1.5 people in this world that I can control and I'm not entirely sure about the 0.5. Who are they, ME and maybe my wife at 0.5. For sure I know I have no control over my teenage kids. Knowing this, no matter who I speak with anywhere, work, advocacy or otherwise, I never allow them to rule my interior. That is my domain and will not give that up to anyone. I choose joyful and fluctuate close to it more often than not. So when someone says something to me I simply listen without judgment - I am not above them and they are not beneath me. They could be berating me, judging me, downright rude or offensive. I simply walk away politely with a joyful cloud within. I do not question any compassion, kind words or lack thereof - at the end simply smile, thank them and move on. Sounds desensitized? Not really in my experience. The energy that emits from that person speaks to me more than their words. When their flower is ready to bloom, their words and actions will be filled with sweetness.
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